Forever Changed

Four years ago today, our lives were forever changed. For those of you who don't know the background story, Kellen, Peyton and I were in a horrific car accident, and I was 17 weeks pregnant with Owen. Brian was at work, and the girls and I were headed to Kennett, MO, to meet up half-way with Brian's parents so that they could take Kellen home with them for the weekend. It was 9 days after Kellen's 3rd birthday, and just a day after Peyton's 1st birthday. I was going 60 mph on a two lane highway when an oncoming flatbed semi truck made a left hand turn in front of us. I saw him coming, swerved to the right in hopes of skidding along side of him, but still impacted at the front driver's side corner of our Suburban.
Kellen and Peyton were screaming, of course, but thanks to God's protection, ended up being okay. They were terrified, though, being taken out of their car seats on backboards and with c-collars. Kellen complained of a sore back for a few days, but ultimately they came out unscathed.
Since I had been braking in hopes of avoiding the crash, my right foot took the brunt of the impact. I could tell right away something was drastically wrong, as my foot was hanging in an unnatural direction and I could actually see the end of my tibia. That's a memory that is forever burned into my mind. To make a long story short, I had other minor injuries, but the most pressing was that my foot was 90% amputated. An incomplete amputation, they called it. After jaws of life, an ambulance trip to the Kennett hospital, and then a life flight helicopter ride to Cape Girardeau, I went through surgery to reattach my foot, and then stayed there for five more days. Obviously my pregnancy was of huge concern during this time. The day of the accident, they actually were not able to find fetal heart tones, and then a day or two later I experienced some bleeding. But, Owen truly is our miracle baby, and we feel so blessed to have him in our lives!
The next four or five months are a blur, as I had more surgeries, we had various family living with us, people bringing meals, me trying to learn to use a wheelchair, then a walker, then a cane, and delivering a new baby in the midst of that! I truly have made huge progress in the last four years!
However, it has also "forever changed" our family. I grieve the fact that I can no longer be the type of Mom that I envisioned. I have always been athletic and active, and vowed not to be one of those Moms that sat on the side while the Dad did all the playing outside, coaching sports teams, rough-housing, etc. Even with two young daughters, we were forever going on walks after dinner, camping and hiking, traveling, etc. I hate that now my children only know a Mom that has to sit down all the time, can't go out and play with them, and often can't even go get them a drink of water or some other mundane task, due to being in pain. It's not fair to them.
Through all this, though, I have prayed that God would instill a sense of compassion in my children; an innate feeling of selflessness and caring; a heart for the disabled or people in need. They have been troopers, and at the same time, Brian and I have sacrificed a lot in order to try to maintain some "normalcy" in their lives despite my limitations. My sacrifices relate to my pain levels, and his sacrifices are all the extra work he has to do and the time he devotes to us!
Sometimes I still pray for God to reveal His reasons for all this, but even if we never know, I have faith that He will use this for good. Regardless of what happens, February 18th will be a date that our family will always remember!